Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
You Might Also Like
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Who does Amazon think I am?
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…