her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
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[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
No chill.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I am crying
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”