wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
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Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.