me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Trains are just sideway elevators.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.