My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
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[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!