I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue…
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.