Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
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I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot