any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
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bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!