Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
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It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.