My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
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“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”