If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
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“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
why isn’t he texting back
Life with a cat in one tweet
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
hey, alexa
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom