nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
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Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
[shakes fist at other fist]
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax