“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
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There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.