FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
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I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.