Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
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kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.