Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
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me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
me when I see my crush
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
are there any atheist mantises?
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.