Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
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Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Good morning, Twitter x
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
$4 #usedbooks
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
A friend helps you before you need it
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
i want to work in this restaurant
Everyone’s family
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.