My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
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Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.