Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
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What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.