therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
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Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!