Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
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ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
My love language is deader than Latin
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Still my favourite meme.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those