I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
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CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.