oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
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[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?