I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
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having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back