UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
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What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.