I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
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There’s no “u” in narcissist
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I’m confused about plants
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.