friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
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Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Cinematography is my passion
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks