I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
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*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
no such thing as a dumb question
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.