YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
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I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
This is amazing.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets