when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
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*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
A French press is when you hug naked
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.