[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
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Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*