“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
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Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Wake me when AI does housework
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
TRAIN’S HERE
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.