midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
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Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
house sitting!
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Pot warmers of the day.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.