Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
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ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Kids: Stay in school.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
That time Alicia messaged me
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.