Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
You Might Also Like
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
He-man has a Masters degree
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
When I grow up, I want to be 16