A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
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Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Wednesday
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.