[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
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My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]