Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
This is why I hate group projects
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
This will never not be funny to me.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”