Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
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*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’