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I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Seas the day!!!!
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.