Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
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[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
When I said I liked it rough.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.