The hardest thing Vision has to do
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A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars