My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
You Might Also Like
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
i hope my email finds you on fire
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*