My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
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Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
A great tip. #CakeRex
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Matt Goss
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.