Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
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Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
$3 #books
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect