Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
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*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.