Is this you?
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Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
who will stop them
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.