Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
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That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Webb. James Webb.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.