I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
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Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs