I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
You Might Also Like
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.